011110

check out ms. binary birthday!

being alone has its advantages. but being alone has kinda become my expectation of life. i swing between craving company and shunning it. sometimes having company over makes me dread the idea of entertaining guests and being hostess ... but then once company goes home, i miss socializing. i can't seem to make up my mind.

what's a birthday girl to do on her birthday? The night before, i drove out at about 11.30pm with the intention of getting to KL and sitting by myself in the middle of the social mess and embrace my solitude come midnight. It is absolutely refreshing and calming. And i realize that this moment will never come again in my life - the purity of solitude in the midst of structures of life. I'm feeling pretty special - who says 23rd bdays can't be special?

The morning is spent in utter care-freeness. I did not rush, did not panic, did not bother /care if it's lunch time, or if i had a schedule to adhere to. Plans are not made, they were thought of and done ... somewhat in the time of Pei. But one thing was certain, i need to finish some food in the fridge and a birthday omelette is just right up my alley - eggs, tuna, corn. Proper protein stuff. And i bought some groceries to prepare for a certain fried rice day. A stick of bread, some spicy sauce, healthy cereal, sardines, vege. I'm sure the assortment of stuff will make a decent meal someday.

I took a drive to subang lakes in the evening. the weather has been so mild of late, nice breeze, gentle sun.... almost too good to pass up an evening by the lakes. It has been everything that I wanted. Sure, i had not met a soul since turning 23, i had no company, no big celebratory shouts, or heightened emotional moments - but at that point in time, it is everything that i wanted to experience for a birthday. I can always throw a birthday party next year.. or the birthday after.. or whenever, but having a moment to myself -- that's going to be so rare in life and I wanted to savour it and remember it, and understand what it means to be alone.

Then i emptied my purse of all my little dollar bills and headed to the bakery for a cake.

Why not? For the past 5 years, i've always wanted to have a birthday cake but being overseas means that you can't exactly afford to empty your piggy bank just to eat some cake. And getting a slice of cake for the sake of eating cake on birthday is just plain sad. So this year, i'm doing pathetic cake-eating session in style. RM 23 got me the whole chocolate mousse cake. Tiramisu was RM 2 extra but i was lazy to walk back to the car just to get more change. I've only got RM 24 and i'm following fate's prescription.

And the guy who boxed my cake asked if i wanted anything written on it - and i considered it for one morbid moment before deciding that it'd be too weird to be eating my birthday cake, that i bought for myself, with dedications from myself. But i'm not too shameless to request some candles. People need candles in life - if not for cake!

SO now..... i suppose i've completed a birthday celebration solo style! Its not that i didn't want anyone around for my birthday - of course, more than any other time of my 4-week solitude i WISH there was someone there. But i'm not going to inform or drop shameless hints about my birthday. If there is someone who would really want to celebrate with me, they would be planning it out with me ages ago - or teaming up with other friends to do something , especially knowing that i will be alone this time round.

I know this is what I would have done for a friend - without her having to drop hints about being alone or having a birthday. I'd have stepped up first and ask about birthday plans. If they want to spend it alone, they'd tell you. And i believe in doing for ppl what you want them do for (to) you. Treat your friends as you would have them treat you.

I don't have any regrets at all. It turned out the way it turned out to be. I'm absolutely chuffed!

And now that it's over, it's really just been another day in all our lives. But hey, i didnt' notice the pendulumish number until my student's mum handed me the monthly cheque - 011110 - quite pretty.

Also, i find out that one of my best friends is going to be engaged... that sounds warped as ppl usually say "about to be married" .... but yes, plans are about, a semi-informal proposal was said, so... i suppose its a proper engagement just without an official bling ring - right......ok then. Everyone's unique and has their own personal style of doing things! I'd be the last one to judge.